


choking myself sounds like a pretty fun thing to do right now, by asuka langley

by sadifura



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Anger, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Self Harm, Stream of Consciousness, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-09-02 09:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8662798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadifura/pseuds/sadifura
Summary: everything presses hard on your chest and you are aggressive and violent and you are covered in your own blood and you are in a state of living and dying at the same time





	

**Author's Note:**

> MMM this is another vent but im surprised how in character i can get for asuka when i dig deep into my troubled psyche
> 
> im proud of this one
> 
> evangelion belongs to hideaki anno

There's no reason to want to stab yourself in the face! But you just want to! You just wanted to stab yourself in your stupid ugly fucking face and die! 

Now that stupid fucking weirdo Shinji is crying like a little bitch about it. "Asuka stabbed herself!" he whines, "Asuka stabbed herself in the face!" And that little bitch fucking WHINES about it and yells about it to Asuka and in your blurry bleeding vision you can see Misato running towards you and telling you "Let go of that knife, Langley!" she yells, "Let go of that knife, Langley!"

But it's only happening in your imagination and you're wondering why your imagination is so fucking _aggressive_ but then you realize, it's YOU, YOU'RE AGGRESSIVE, the freaks on the schoolyard ISOLATED YOU cuz YOU knew what you wanted and you didn't take any of their shit and when that boy on the playground tried to pull off your skirt like you were some naive three year old you decked him, you decked him and he bled, his nose was bleeding and his head was cracked and you were still so angry, still so ANGRY that he touched you like that, and you wanted nobody to touch you ever again and wanted nobody near you again.

But then sometimes you want people to touch you, no, you wanna touch people, you wanna make people look at you like a star, you wanna make everyone love you and look at you, LOOK AT ME DAMMIT LOOK AT ME!, because nobody in your life would ever look at you and all the people in your life either just ditch you or die and you're just left alone and you just wanna stab your heart out until you grasp it, grasp it in your hands and eat it, you never want a fucking heart again because god knows if you have emotions and open up people are gonna KNOW you, KNOW your weaknesses and wanna STAB you with it. 

You don't wanna be alive but yet being dead is like so fucking last week and being dead means you're not gonna be successful, you're not gonna accomplish everything, you're not gonna be the world's first woman lawyer slash CEO slash shrewd businesswoman, etcetera etcetera etc-fucking-cetera AND YOU HAVE SO MANY GOALS BUT WHY! WHY! WHY, THEN, DO YOU HAVE TO PILOT A ROBOT WITH A BRAINDEAD IDIOT WHO ONLY WHIMPERS AND CRIES AND AN EMOTIONLESS TITTY DOLL THAT EVERYONE LOVES OVER YOU BECAUSE "OH ASUKA, WHY CAN'T YOU BE FEMININE! ASUKA! WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE THAT GIRL! WHY CAN'T YOU BE GOOD YOU WILD BEAST! YOU WERE RAISED BY ANIMALS YOU FREAK!" 

And then you collapse under the floor crying and that stupid fucking weirdo Shinji is like "oh, Misato, Asuka's crying!" and Misato's trying to be a nosy bitch and get up in your business about everything even though you just want to DIE damn it you just wanna die in PEACE and get stabbed or something without idiots trying to get in the way of your life and and and and fuck! Fuck it! I can't even make words come out of my mouth! you think, as you crumple onto the floor crying wishing you were dead and that Shinji was dead and that Misato was dead and that everyone was dead, but you're not going to heaven because you were MEANT for hell, dammit, and nothing in life is fair and all you wanted was Kaji to hug you today, fuck EVERYTHING! 

Just wait, you shout at Misato, just wait til I kill myself and you'll all be sorry! But you're shouting in your imagination because YOU ARE SPINELESS and you don't want to be alive but you do, but you don't, but you do, CAN YOU JUST BE DECISIVE DAMMIT! 

And you melt into the floor and melt into Shinji and Misato's arms and you cry and you cry because everything around you is dying, and everything around you is worthless.

And they take you into the infirmary where you wish you had a sharp weapon to cut yourself on and then you see the strings hanging up, you see your hands and you put them around your neck and squeeze tight but nothing is working and suicide isn't painless and you run out of the infirmary and huddle in a ball screaming.

And there's so many more words you want to say, but you can't and all that's coming out is senseless screaming and everything hurts everything sucks everything is evil and you just break into a ball of nothing.


End file.
